This Shattered Chemical Sponge: A Rant on Mental Health

 I cannot be the only one who gets pissed off when anyone tells me to "think more positively!", am I?  I don't think I am. 

To those of you who say such lazy and contemptuous (oh, and also COMPLETELY NOT HELPFUL) remarks to people who are down or having a bad day, you can just go on ahead and shove that positivity right up your ass, okay? 
Your intent, good or bad, is insulting and shows an almost annoyance, a lack of patience, or caring for whoever it is that is suffering.   If that blows your mind, then you have a lot of work to do as a human being.   To be so cold and blind as to say something so obviously selfish, you're either thinking it's about you, you truly don't give a fuck but want to appear caring, or you truly don't give a fuck, appearances be damned.  
Most of the time. . . it's not about you. 

Allow me to reiterate.

It's not about you.
It's not about you.
IT'S
NOT
ABOUT
YOU

Best thing, if you actually do care and are just clueless (this seems to be the case most of the time and no, it's 2024, it's no longer a valid excuse) is to not say a fucking word.   Or better yet, stop thinking about yourself and truly imagine some empathy, put yourself in that person's shoes to truly fucking try to see where they are coming from.  For those who consider this an easy thing to do, this post is definitely not about you.

It's become painfully apparent that a lot of friends and family are completely lost to what I, and others like me, go through on a daily basis.  Anger is pouring out as I write this and I'd like to explain why.   

Telling someone like me to stay positive is on par with telling a tree to have bark because people like myself are trying to be positive ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. 
We stay positive and constantly try to be this way for 104 hours a day - We are fucking exhausted.  And then you come around with your "positivity" bullshit.   Go fuck yourself, you unaware microorganism. 

There are days when positivity fails.  This is actually quite a common occurrence which then manifests in feelings of guilt, failure, and uselessness.   These times are especially sensitive when we're told to be "positive".   It reinforces those feelings of failure and uselessness but a new feeling emerges: anger.  This anger is justified because, as stated, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING ALL WEEK.  (Tree, bark, etc).  

Look, fact is, I'm currently not doing well.   I am trying, of course.  Failing at that, too, of course.  But I truly do love being alive, I love all the things I have yet to do in this life.  I have goals and ambition.  I have experiences and wisdom to share.  I have people to learn from and absorb what wisdom they may be able to impart. 
There is just so much to do and experience - my heart of heart knows this, relishes this fact - and that's why I'm still here.  The pros of my existence far outweigh the cons - ask anyone who knows me.   It took me decades to see this and I owe that to all who I have ever shared a moment with, however brief.  I'm far from perfect and have much to still learn in this life.  I hope to be able to teach others a thing or two as well. 

My anger has settled down a bit now so I'm writing more evenly.   I will not apologize if anything I said offended; if it did, that may be an indicator on your part and you should ask yourself "why?" you're offended and then break it down from there.  My anger is me and it's something that doesn't come out to play very often. 

I have been officially diagnosed with anxiety & severe depression; unofficially diagnosed with ADHD because, for a true diagnosis I would need thousands of dollars.   THOUSANDS.  I don't need to tell you how shitty our healthcare system is (or more to the point, the COST of healthcare in the US).  I feel there is more at play with my mental health as each year passes, something undiagnosed but maybe that's just my hypochondria-KIDDING, that was a joke.  I hope.  

Mental Health awareness has come a long way in the last 10 years and I hope the stigma of it dissolves completely in the next upcoming 10 years.   More and more people, even companies, are becoming aware that people are not okay and that is allowing for more lenient and compassionate rules and forms of acceptance. 

I'm very tired.  Will have this weekend to reflect and start this cycle all over again come Monday.  It's amazing what having bills paid can do to the mind, how light one feels.   The only good thing that comes from living in poverty is that, if escaping it, one can probably survive almost anything else life has to throw at you.  

Anyway.  Thank you for reading this far. 

Be well.  Have the day you deserve.